A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the innocent child.
”You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,” explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Wife: "I have changed my mind."
Husband: "Thank God! Does the new one work?"
-A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
-Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.
Can’t quite remember one of our shamelessly
plagiarized jokes? It’s probably in the archive
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next few minutes.
WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES ?
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation nowadays. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested that I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
So I did, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and had e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again - - - I really don't know what to do: I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went quiet and her roommate picked up the phone and reported that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen might not be getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.