I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears meet.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.
I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
My Wife Won’t Like This….
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Phil and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak."
Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative brandy’s, I thanked my host:"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know a thing. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart......" I said.......
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?", he asked. "I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Can’t quite remember one of our shamelessly
plagiarized jokes? It’s probably in the archive
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time I did and it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad.